Processing helps make better decisions . . .

“My husband was able to leave it behind him and move on” Emma said. “I want to get past this too, but it still keeps me up at night. Why can’t I let it go?”

Emma described her situation: A leader had purposefully withheld information, so the fallout from his mistakes made Emma and Fred look guilty, though they didn’t do anything wrong. It was their word against his. In the end, they had to swallow part of the blame, lose a lot of what they’d built over several years, and regroup in a different direction.

“Fred says, ‘learn from it, leave it and move ahead,’ Emma recounted. “I want to, but these emotions won’t settle down!”

Many factors may cause Emma’s dilemma, but one concerns the difference between male and female brains. The structure of a female brain makes it generally more difficult for ladies let go of painful offenses than does the male brain.

I’ll explain below, but please know that this doesn’t mean either sex is superior in leadership. It means God designed us with complementary traits, and if we understand them, we’ll find more wisdom in working together (Gen. 1:26-27). Rules have exceptions, so if you don’t fit the description, that’s fine. In general, however, you’ll probably recognize these distinctions in many real life situations.

These concepts will strengthen Emma and Fred’s marriage. But the principles hold true wherever men and women work together, such as in other family situations or leadership teams.

Let’s narrow a vastly complex system of our brains into simple terms: the brain’s limbic system, that receives, stores and processes emotional memory, is larger and undergoes more processing in females than in males. Female brains also have more connections between different areas of the brain, while male brains are more “compartmentalized.”

Emma and Fred both remember the same offense. But Emma’s brain attached emotions to the memory, which made the memory more powerful. She’s far more likely than Fred to recall the incident and its emotions with a trigger. For example, the memory can arise if meeting a person with the same first name as the offender, or someone who speaks with the same tone of voice, or who wears the same color shirt. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about! ANYTHING that has any connection to the incident can be a trigger that stirs up the emotions all over again.

Fred, on the other hand, felt some emotions at first, but his brain didn’t process or store them like Emma’s. Since his brain is more compartmentalized, Fred can isolate the memory and not recall it if he doesn’t want to. Emma has no choice. Her highly connected brain automatically cycles back to the memory with a trigger.

This doesn’t excuse Emma to fester until “the root of bitterness springs up to cause trouble” (Heb. 12:15), or to withhold forgivness (Matt. 6:14-15). It’s also not an excuse for Fred to be impatient with Emma’s struggle.

What are Emma and Fred to do?

Emma needs to thoroughly process the offense, and that’s a good thing. Fred may not feel the need, but if he partners with Emma through the process, very likely things will arise that both Fred and Emma need to deal with, such as:

• how to make better decisions the next time
• helping other people who were affected
• issues in their own relationship
• attitudes or reactions of which they need to repent and find freedom

 

If either one avoids processing, both will miss the rewards. God designed our male and female brains to work as complementary partners. As we support each other in our strengths, we more fully reflect His image in our life and work.

This holds true not only for marriages, but in any situation where men and women work together. Many men might want to turn a deaf ear to a woman’s emotional processing, but often we find that if everyone listens and helps work through emotions, questions and thoughts; then potential problems, other issues, and wisdom will arise that would not have otherwise. This allows the team to make more informed decisions and smoother transitions with broader wisdom.

On Thursday we’ll explore how men and women can practically process through emotions in healthy ways.

__________________________________________

Keith Yoder and I are writing a book, Sacrifice and Fire, about how men and women can work together as partners with Christ. To reflect a fuller image of God on earth, we need both male and female perspectives in leadership. Look for the book by the end of this year!

The workings of male and female brains has been widely researched and assessed over the past decades since MRI was invented. I note a few popular articles and resources below, but you can easily find more scholarly articles and books by searching the internet.

21 Days to a Toxic-Free Mind, Dr. Caroline Leaf, Christian, cognitive neuroscientist with a PhD in Communication Pathology specializing in Neuropsychology. http://21daybraindetox.com/ 

Sex Differences in Emotional Memory, USA Today, 
http://sites.tufts.edu/emotiononthebrain/2014/10/24/sex-differences-in-emotional-memory/

Gender and the Brain: Differences Between Men and Women, by fitBrains
http://www.fitbrains.com/blog/women-men-brains/