Men and Women’s Brains Respond to Conflict in Different Ways

I remember in grade school (early 70’s) learning about “fight or flight” response, which was apparently common to all humans. Triggered by a threat or acute stress, a wash of neurochemicals floods the brain and alerts the body to either stand up and fight or turn and run. But now we know that not all of us experience “fight or flight,” at least, not always the women among us.

I’ve been reviewing piles of material on brain science, doing research for a book Keith Yoder?and I are writing—“Sacrifice and Fire,” a biblical model for how God designed men and women to work together in leadership. It’s thrilling to ferret out how science supports scriptural insight.

Apparently, back in the early days of brain science, researchers conducted their experiments only on men, and not women. They thought menstruation and menopause would mess up the test results 😀 ?so they decided not to get bogged down in all that mess and stuck with male specimens. After all, women’s brains are the same as men’s, only smaller, right? 😮

Fortunately, over the decades, with the advent of MRI and other inventions, scientists have found that while we have many similarities, male and female brains also have fascinating differences. One of those has to do with response to stress or conflict. With men it’s often “fight or flight.” A woman’s?reaction, however, is more complex (surprise!). You may have heard of “tend and befriend” response. Because God fashioned her brain to easily accommodate social interaction and bonding, she more likely has a strong support network of friends. Instead of “fight or flight,” she “tends and befriends.” In other words, she desires to protect relationships and to congregate with others. She retreats from the conflict to talk it over with her girlfriends to determine the best response.

(And of course, whether women or men, we need to conduct these interactions with the “meekness of godly wisdom” (James 3:13) . Be careful not to fall into gossip, slander, manipulation, domination or retaliation, but always keep an attitude that seeks reconciliation (truth with love, Eph 4:15). Having a few mature, objective mentors can help in processing sensitive situations.)

Keep in mind that many other factors determine how we respond to conflict, such as personality, experience, and the demands of the specific situation. Male/female brain science can only supply the “average” tendencies, with wide margins for each person’s unique bent (more on this in future posts). But generally, when facing conflict, men’s brains are more structured to engage and compete, while women’s brains are more geared toward retaining relationships and negotiating.

How does this affect real life?

When men and women work together, whether as family, friends, work, ministry, or leadership team, we need to respect the tendencies of the other sex. We may not ever fully comprehend the brain-workings of the other (the harder we try, it seems, the more stumped we get!) but we can train ourselves to:

• recognize that God created us with complementary strengths throughout His body, and we need to rely on each other’s input in order to see a more full picture of His wisdom
• recognize the inclinations of the others and give room for them to process without judging or distrusting them
• accommodate complementary strengths according to God’s wisdom for the specific situation. Is it time to engage and compete? Or time to strategize and negotiate? A?combination of the two or something altogether different?

Look for more insight concerning male/female working relationship in future posts as the research continues! I’d love to hear from you. What questions or comments might you have concerning this issue? Please feel free to comment below.

…the whole body,
joined and knit together
by what every joint supplies,
according to the effective working
by which every part does its share,
causes growth of the body
for the edifying of itself in love.
– Ephesians 4:15-16

Scripture meditation: Philippians 2:1-11; James 3

Our “Sacrifice and Fire” model for men and women will flow hand-in-hand?with Keith Yoder’s?Mastering the Art of Presence-Based Leadership.

Sampler of resources for “fight or flight”:
Taylor, S.E.,G.C. Gonzaga, et al. (2000). “Biobehavioral responses to stress in females: Tend-and-befriend, not fight-or-flight.”?Psychol Rev 107?(3);
Larimore, Walt. (2008). “His Brain, Her Brain: How divinely designed differences can strengthen your marriage;
Brizendine, M.D., Louann (2007). “The Female Brain.”